Tag: milk and cookies

Funny things to do at Christmas?

1. Buy a package of Keebler’s E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the bad elves.

2. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that they’ve been naughty and won’t be getting any presents this year.

3. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you’d prefer a beer and some hot wings instead.

4. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.

5. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

6. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick. Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless souls for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.

7. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.

8. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman urns.

9. Decorate the yard for the holidays… using your neighbor’s decorations.

10. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.

Merger of Christmas and Hanukkah?

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we”re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
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